Day 5: Afternoon at 12:40
I woke up feeling bad again. It wasn't as bad though. I seem to be equalizing.
Had a banana and granola bar for breakfast.
Missed you again so I cried briefly and then smoked. I felt empty, so I went for a 15 minute walk.
Sweating felt good. I'm going to go hit the gym. I know it'll help.
I'm still coping with the sudden loss of your presence in my life, especially because you and I were so intertwined for the past months. It'll get better in time...
Meanwhile, gotta stay in motion.
Can't stop.
Won't stop.
Don't stop.
Never stop.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Day 5
Day 5 03/09/12
I finally ate today. A rather big meal actually... A half a chicken breast, some eggs and toast around 4:00 PM. That and a banana around 7:00 PM.
I didn't feel good so I walked around outside for an hour and a half. Got back in at 8:30, unpacked, and did laundry.
I found more of your stuff as I unpacked. Seeing it made me so lonely... Your Valentine's card is on my wall now, so I stop carrying it everywhere. The lighter you gave me is hung up there too...
Couldn't sleep so I went all out on a music mix... I finished the song for you and Youtube-d the rest of the evening away.
Two songs stuck inside my head.
Black Keys: The Only One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnEgHEEo21o
and...
Nell: It's OK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOBvmLNnACM
The second music video made me cry like a baby.
The way the girl in the MV sees memories of her love everywhere, it's exactly the same as how I am right now.
I'm so tired. I'm finally going back to a more normal sleep cycle. Since I'm sleeping now, I'll be waking up around 9:00 AM to 10:00 AM tomorrow. Time to go see the Doc again, and maybe hit the gym afterwards.
Gotta go now Ruthe. I hope you're having sweet dreams.
You'll be in mine.
I finally ate today. A rather big meal actually... A half a chicken breast, some eggs and toast around 4:00 PM. That and a banana around 7:00 PM.
I didn't feel good so I walked around outside for an hour and a half. Got back in at 8:30, unpacked, and did laundry.
I found more of your stuff as I unpacked. Seeing it made me so lonely... Your Valentine's card is on my wall now, so I stop carrying it everywhere. The lighter you gave me is hung up there too...
Couldn't sleep so I went all out on a music mix... I finished the song for you and Youtube-d the rest of the evening away.
Two songs stuck inside my head.
Black Keys: The Only One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnEgHEEo21o
and...
Nell: It's OK
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOBvmLNnACM
The second music video made me cry like a baby.
The way the girl in the MV sees memories of her love everywhere, it's exactly the same as how I am right now.
I'm so tired. I'm finally going back to a more normal sleep cycle. Since I'm sleeping now, I'll be waking up around 9:00 AM to 10:00 AM tomorrow. Time to go see the Doc again, and maybe hit the gym afterwards.
Gotta go now Ruthe. I hope you're having sweet dreams.
You'll be in mine.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Day 4: 12:41 AM
Day 4 03/08/2012
I saw you at the CAPS office today. The words you said made me so relieved and feel loved.
"I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to."
Thank you for the words and the hug. They made my day. I love you.
I met with the Doc and with Associate Chancellor Nies. They were a great help...
I told the Doc about my epiphany. I.e. I have to work on myself for the sake of improving myself, not for the sake of us getting back together. He said that if I try to improve myself for an exterior motive, it would not be genuine improvement.
He's right, of course. I can't control your feelings nor improve you by worrying. I have to work on the thing I DO have control over. Myself. I want to be a better person when I see you again. I want to be more mature. Someone who has the capacity to unconditionally love you because I have self-love, self-understanding, and self-control.
I've been mulling over the Dalai Lama's Rules for Living. I like these:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
If it were easy, everyone would be in a relationship.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
(The text in Arial was from the website I got it off of. I liked it so I kept it in.)
I've found that music has been an excellent outlet for me. I'm working on a song for you. I'm done with the first verse (20 bars) and I've also finished the bridge. Now to come up with a hook or a chorus and the second verse. I'll play it for you one of these days.
I'll be working on my schoolwork, sleep a little earlier, and start working out beginning tomorrow. Some natural dopamine in my system will do me good.
I'm off now. Good night RSFO.
I saw you at the CAPS office today. The words you said made me so relieved and feel loved.
"I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to."
Thank you for the words and the hug. They made my day. I love you.
I met with the Doc and with Associate Chancellor Nies. They were a great help...
I told the Doc about my epiphany. I.e. I have to work on myself for the sake of improving myself, not for the sake of us getting back together. He said that if I try to improve myself for an exterior motive, it would not be genuine improvement.
He's right, of course. I can't control your feelings nor improve you by worrying. I have to work on the thing I DO have control over. Myself. I want to be a better person when I see you again. I want to be more mature. Someone who has the capacity to unconditionally love you because I have self-love, self-understanding, and self-control.
I've been mulling over the Dalai Lama's Rules for Living. I like these:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
If it were easy, everyone would be in a relationship.
3. Follow the three Rs:
- Respect for self – Confidence is key in success and one who does you respect himself does not believe in himself. Thus, if you do not respect yourself, you cannot possibly succeed in anything great, nor can you respect others.
- Respect for others – And you will be respected in return. Anyone who does not return that respect is immediately letting you know that they are not worth your time, and that they do not respect themselves. Avoid weak/insecure/self-loathing people.
- Responsibility for all your actions – You alone are responsible for your feelings, actions, success, etc. You are in complete control of your life, so do not try and blame other people for your mistakes or misfortunes.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
(The text in Arial was from the website I got it off of. I liked it so I kept it in.)
I've found that music has been an excellent outlet for me. I'm working on a song for you. I'm done with the first verse (20 bars) and I've also finished the bridge. Now to come up with a hook or a chorus and the second verse. I'll play it for you one of these days.
I'll be working on my schoolwork, sleep a little earlier, and start working out beginning tomorrow. Some natural dopamine in my system will do me good.
I'm off now. Good night RSFO.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Day 4: Early Morning
Day 4: Around 6:00 AM
I had a paranoid feeling in my gut for some reason. It's irrational, but I thought for some reason that you're currently "trying to get over me". It hurt so much to think that your love for me could dry up--and I couldn't shake it off--that I began pacing endlessly until I ended up crying while trying to comfort myself by looking at our pictures and reading your card again.
I needed to talk to someone so bad--but everyone was asleep because it was 2:00 AM--so I drove from my house to the Blue Emergency Light by the parking permit dispenser at the entrance of Lake Lot 1 and pushed the button. I sobbed into the telecom that I needed somebody to talk to.
The police weren't too helpful. They had protocols to follow so they could only offer me a ride to the counseling clinic outside of UCM. It wasn't worth it, so I decided to just cry it out while driving back home.
Good thing I did. I felt better after the cry and I got back. My mind was still racing though, so I started doing my homework. I'm making good progress on it despite my thoughts. I'm sure you'd be proud of me.
It's the Occupy essay, and as I began writing it, I had an epiphany about it, which I'm writing in a separate file.
In my epiphany, I realized that my relationship with Occupy had some profound parallels with my relationship with you. I realized I needed a break from Occupy since a while back (if you remember my latest saying this in our conversation last Sunday), for several reasons which are explained in more detail in the RTF file, and I was willing to more easily admit this because Occupy isn't a precious person to me like you. It's not an actual PERSON I love. I love Occupy, so I know that I'm eventually going to go back to it, but the fact that it's an organization/movement that I know will be fine without me for a while made it easier for me to admit it.
However, I have not seen these aspects about the relationship between you and I until just now. I think that's where my insecurity before my meditation came from.
Although the subtext I had for these questions don't really apply to our relationship, they're still applicable on the broad sense that it's something I should be asking myself and you should be asking yourself. I'll add different subtexts after the questions to show what I mean.
1) What are we really hoping to accomplish?
On the bigger scale, love and a healthy long-term relationship, of course.
2) Although our methods express the right concern and intentions, do they clearly point in a certain, very specific direction?
The emotions we show, actions we do, questions we have, the arguments that we get into, and the doubts we get--their root is undeniably out of love (for me, this lead to another epiphany and more meditation and soul-searching which I'm writing in a separate RTF file), but the direction they point to may not be crystal clear and are therefore open to misinterpretation. Ex) You're jealous because you love me, but to me, it feels like an attack on my character. I'm frustrated because I love you and you don't seem to get it, but to you it looks like an emotional overreaction meant to hurt you. What I'm trying to say is, I think it's important to remind ourselves and each other "I feel this way because I love you. Can you understand?" rather than think "I love you so you should feel this way and react this way. It's a given.".
3) Are the methods we come up with effective?
I can't speak for you, but I can speak for myself. I think often, I believe I'm being clear and effective at explaining, but I'm sucking. Adding in emotions like frustration and impatience into the mix doesn't help.
This led me to another question/train of thought that I had to make sure of. Do I love you, idolize you (infatuation), or lust after you? My conclusion after more meditation (which I've written down in the RTF file mentioned in the green) is that I really love you. It's not simple infatuation or lust. It's organic love that grew from a natural process. Rapidly, but naturally. <3<3<3
One thing I did realize when I was writing the rough draft of my letter to you (on Sunday), which I will hand-write, is that although our love and need for each other grew at a steady pace at the beginning of our relationship, our need for each other grew way faster than the speed at which our love for each other matured. Right now is the time for us to work on the love aspect for each other first.
I know our relationship is not pure dependence on each other for two reasons
1) The love and need grew at a good pace the first few months of our relationship, which was more than half of its full length.
2) We met each other for all the right reasons.
3) Even at our worst, we were able to maintain something that IMO we've been able to also do at our best: we were completely honest with each other.
4) Even now, because of my love for you, I am quelling my urges to see you. I can wait until you're ready to talk again after a month (hopefully approximately because I want to see you at my birthday. If you don't want to come to my birthday, I'll be sad, but I know I'll see you a couple days afterwards, so I'll be good. I just can't wait to show you these epiphanies I've been having).
I'll show you the two RTFs and my handwritten letter in time, when your emotional scars have healed. Hopefully in about a month. Mine have yet to heal also.
I was actually ready to just print these out and drop them off at your tent, but my word is bond. It hurts, but I can do it for you.
LOVE gives me strength and LOVE compels me. My LOVE for YOU.
I had a paranoid feeling in my gut for some reason. It's irrational, but I thought for some reason that you're currently "trying to get over me". It hurt so much to think that your love for me could dry up--and I couldn't shake it off--that I began pacing endlessly until I ended up crying while trying to comfort myself by looking at our pictures and reading your card again.
I needed to talk to someone so bad--but everyone was asleep because it was 2:00 AM--so I drove from my house to the Blue Emergency Light by the parking permit dispenser at the entrance of Lake Lot 1 and pushed the button. I sobbed into the telecom that I needed somebody to talk to.
The police weren't too helpful. They had protocols to follow so they could only offer me a ride to the counseling clinic outside of UCM. It wasn't worth it, so I decided to just cry it out while driving back home.
Good thing I did. I felt better after the cry and I got back. My mind was still racing though, so I started doing my homework. I'm making good progress on it despite my thoughts. I'm sure you'd be proud of me.
It's the Occupy essay, and as I began writing it, I had an epiphany about it, which I'm writing in a separate file.
In my epiphany, I realized that my relationship with Occupy had some profound parallels with my relationship with you. I realized I needed a break from Occupy since a while back (if you remember my latest saying this in our conversation last Sunday), for several reasons which are explained in more detail in the RTF file, and I was willing to more easily admit this because Occupy isn't a precious person to me like you. It's not an actual PERSON I love. I love Occupy, so I know that I'm eventually going to go back to it, but the fact that it's an organization/movement that I know will be fine without me for a while made it easier for me to admit it.
However, I have not seen these aspects about the relationship between you and I until just now. I think that's where my insecurity before my meditation came from.
Although the subtext I had for these questions don't really apply to our relationship, they're still applicable on the broad sense that it's something I should be asking myself and you should be asking yourself. I'll add different subtexts after the questions to show what I mean.
1) What are we really hoping to accomplish?
On the bigger scale, love and a healthy long-term relationship, of course.
2) Although our methods express the right concern and intentions, do they clearly point in a certain, very specific direction?
The emotions we show, actions we do, questions we have, the arguments that we get into, and the doubts we get--their root is undeniably out of love (for me, this lead to another epiphany and more meditation and soul-searching which I'm writing in a separate RTF file), but the direction they point to may not be crystal clear and are therefore open to misinterpretation. Ex) You're jealous because you love me, but to me, it feels like an attack on my character. I'm frustrated because I love you and you don't seem to get it, but to you it looks like an emotional overreaction meant to hurt you. What I'm trying to say is, I think it's important to remind ourselves and each other "I feel this way because I love you. Can you understand?" rather than think "I love you so you should feel this way and react this way. It's a given.".
3) Are the methods we come up with effective?
I can't speak for you, but I can speak for myself. I think often, I believe I'm being clear and effective at explaining, but I'm sucking. Adding in emotions like frustration and impatience into the mix doesn't help.
This led me to another question/train of thought that I had to make sure of. Do I love you, idolize you (infatuation), or lust after you? My conclusion after more meditation (which I've written down in the RTF file mentioned in the green) is that I really love you. It's not simple infatuation or lust. It's organic love that grew from a natural process. Rapidly, but naturally. <3<3<3
One thing I did realize when I was writing the rough draft of my letter to you (on Sunday), which I will hand-write, is that although our love and need for each other grew at a steady pace at the beginning of our relationship, our need for each other grew way faster than the speed at which our love for each other matured. Right now is the time for us to work on the love aspect for each other first.
I know our relationship is not pure dependence on each other for two reasons
1) The love and need grew at a good pace the first few months of our relationship, which was more than half of its full length.
2) We met each other for all the right reasons.
3) Even at our worst, we were able to maintain something that IMO we've been able to also do at our best: we were completely honest with each other.
4) Even now, because of my love for you, I am quelling my urges to see you. I can wait until you're ready to talk again after a month (hopefully approximately because I want to see you at my birthday. If you don't want to come to my birthday, I'll be sad, but I know I'll see you a couple days afterwards, so I'll be good. I just can't wait to show you these epiphanies I've been having).
I'll show you the two RTFs and my handwritten letter in time, when your emotional scars have healed. Hopefully in about a month. Mine have yet to heal also.
I was actually ready to just print these out and drop them off at your tent, but my word is bond. It hurts, but I can do it for you.
LOVE gives me strength and LOVE compels me. My LOVE for YOU.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Day 1 to 3
I got my computer set up today at 2:30 AM and my Internet at 6:20 PM (03/06/2012), so I will post my past three days' logs.
Day 1 03/04/2012
I regret having cracked. Thank you for not responding. You're so strong.
I couldn't sleep, so I meditated from 3:00 AM to 6:15 AM (03/05/12) and realized a lot of things. I made a flow chart. Sometimes they help. It's also the rough draft to the letter I'm going to write this week, which I will give to you in a month. It's already over 5 pages, but I know you wouldn't be surprised at the length.
I'm getting better. I still cry here and there because I miss you, but I'm not sad anymore. I know you're waiting for me.
Day 2 03/05/2012
It was such a sunny, beautiful day. It felt like Socal. I hope you enjoyed it.
Every second passes so slowly... My chest still hurts, but I know it will get better with time.
I ate with the guys (Ryan, Mikey, Victor, Matt, Scott, and Chalico). Mike's dad made some bomb marinated meat for us which Mikey brought and we BBQed. I made loaded baked potatoes for them, since they let me stay at their pad for the past couple days. I was able to genuinely laugh and smile and Ryan was very relieved. He said "I'm glad you're laughing again. Before yesterday, I could tell that [your smiles and laughs] were forced."
After I got back to my new house around 2:00 AM, I finally started unpacking. It took me a good hour to get just my computer and bed set up, but I've yet to unpack another half of my boxes. Your stuff is in my closet now and it will be safe. Because they remind me of you, they make me feel safe.
I unpacked your Valentine gift and I read and re-read your card until I was too tired to stay up. I fell asleep around 4:30 AM--hugging your boy-jacket and facing my tablet, which had the picture of us smiling together.
Good morning. I love you.
Day 3 03/06/2012
It's Tuesday. I can't believe it's only been two days. They seem like an eternity.
After I woke up today, I went immediately to the camp to pick up my stuff. At the library, I texted Gino to see if he could get my stuff for me, in case you were at the camp. I waited, but he didn't respond, so I scoped out the place from afar to make sure you weren't there. I saw Jeff and Aaron, but didn't see Gino. I heard music.
As I approached the camp, I realized you were in your tent. I stopped in my tracks, did a 180 spin, and got away as fast as I could. I wanted to see you, but I didn't want to break my promise--our promise. You were laughing and you looked so happy, listening to the music. I admired your beautiful, smiling face from afar.
When I was out of sight from the camp, I berated myself. I should have known, since I heard your saxophone. I'm not sure if you were playing it though. I think either Gino or Aaron was. The other had a guitar.
Since I could not approach the camp, I called Jeff, to see if he could bring my stuff to me. I slapped my face in dismay when he said my name. It's ok though. He didn't know.
He told me you were leaving soon with the guys to go downtown. I told him I could wait, and after waiting about 20-30 minutes, I saw you leave. You were wearing a puffy milky jacket. All I could see was your back turned as you walked down the bridge.
After you left, I went to camp to pick up my stuff. I texted back and forth to Gino to ask him where my stuff was. I found most of it. He'll give me the frying pan back at a later date.
Before I left, I emptied your ash tray for you. Maybe you'll notice it. Maybe you won't. I made sure to leave as quickly as possible once I had all my stuff.
Aaron's tent was further away. Did you ask him to do that for my sake? If so, thank you. I noticed it.
I spent the rest of the daytime with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time and afterwards, Ryan.
Update: 6:30 PM
I decided to get a tattoo (of the numbers 030413) on impulse, so I came back home to look through yelp at tattoo parlors in Modesto.
Funny thing. The first parlor I clicked on had rave reviews and their address at
903 Kansas Ave. Suite A
Modesto, CA. 95351
The street name can't be just a coincidence. Nothing seems to happen for no reason these days. It's strengthened my desire to get the tattoo. They're closed after 6:00 PM, so I'm going to go check it out tomorrow.
I've been staring at the picture of us all day. The one in which we're smiling in my bed. I miss you. I miss you..
I love you. So I will keep my distance, though it hurts so much. See you in a month, as promised. Maybe on my birthday? That would be the greatest present ever.
I'll be hugging your sweater and looking at our picture until I fall asleep again.
Be well.
Day 1 03/04/2012
I regret having cracked. Thank you for not responding. You're so strong.
I couldn't sleep, so I meditated from 3:00 AM to 6:15 AM (03/05/12) and realized a lot of things. I made a flow chart. Sometimes they help. It's also the rough draft to the letter I'm going to write this week, which I will give to you in a month. It's already over 5 pages, but I know you wouldn't be surprised at the length.
I'm getting better. I still cry here and there because I miss you, but I'm not sad anymore. I know you're waiting for me.
Day 2 03/05/2012
It was such a sunny, beautiful day. It felt like Socal. I hope you enjoyed it.
Every second passes so slowly... My chest still hurts, but I know it will get better with time.
I ate with the guys (Ryan, Mikey, Victor, Matt, Scott, and Chalico). Mike's dad made some bomb marinated meat for us which Mikey brought and we BBQed. I made loaded baked potatoes for them, since they let me stay at their pad for the past couple days. I was able to genuinely laugh and smile and Ryan was very relieved. He said "I'm glad you're laughing again. Before yesterday, I could tell that [your smiles and laughs] were forced."
After I got back to my new house around 2:00 AM, I finally started unpacking. It took me a good hour to get just my computer and bed set up, but I've yet to unpack another half of my boxes. Your stuff is in my closet now and it will be safe. Because they remind me of you, they make me feel safe.
I unpacked your Valentine gift and I read and re-read your card until I was too tired to stay up. I fell asleep around 4:30 AM--hugging your boy-jacket and facing my tablet, which had the picture of us smiling together.
Good morning. I love you.
Day 3 03/06/2012
It's Tuesday. I can't believe it's only been two days. They seem like an eternity.
After I woke up today, I went immediately to the camp to pick up my stuff. At the library, I texted Gino to see if he could get my stuff for me, in case you were at the camp. I waited, but he didn't respond, so I scoped out the place from afar to make sure you weren't there. I saw Jeff and Aaron, but didn't see Gino. I heard music.
As I approached the camp, I realized you were in your tent. I stopped in my tracks, did a 180 spin, and got away as fast as I could. I wanted to see you, but I didn't want to break my promise--our promise. You were laughing and you looked so happy, listening to the music. I admired your beautiful, smiling face from afar.
When I was out of sight from the camp, I berated myself. I should have known, since I heard your saxophone. I'm not sure if you were playing it though. I think either Gino or Aaron was. The other had a guitar.
Since I could not approach the camp, I called Jeff, to see if he could bring my stuff to me. I slapped my face in dismay when he said my name. It's ok though. He didn't know.
He told me you were leaving soon with the guys to go downtown. I told him I could wait, and after waiting about 20-30 minutes, I saw you leave. You were wearing a puffy milky jacket. All I could see was your back turned as you walked down the bridge.
After you left, I went to camp to pick up my stuff. I texted back and forth to Gino to ask him where my stuff was. I found most of it. He'll give me the frying pan back at a later date.
Before I left, I emptied your ash tray for you. Maybe you'll notice it. Maybe you won't. I made sure to leave as quickly as possible once I had all my stuff.
Aaron's tent was further away. Did you ask him to do that for my sake? If so, thank you. I noticed it.
I spent the rest of the daytime with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time and afterwards, Ryan.
Update: 6:30 PM
I decided to get a tattoo (of the numbers 030413) on impulse, so I came back home to look through yelp at tattoo parlors in Modesto.
Funny thing. The first parlor I clicked on had rave reviews and their address at
903 Kansas Ave. Suite A
Modesto, CA. 95351
The street name can't be just a coincidence. Nothing seems to happen for no reason these days. It's strengthened my desire to get the tattoo. They're closed after 6:00 PM, so I'm going to go check it out tomorrow.
I've been staring at the picture of us all day. The one in which we're smiling in my bed. I miss you. I miss you..
I love you. So I will keep my distance, though it hurts so much. See you in a month, as promised. Maybe on my birthday? That would be the greatest present ever.
I'll be hugging your sweater and looking at our picture until I fall asleep again.
Be well.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)