Day 1 to 3

I got my computer set up today at 2:30 AM and my Internet at 6:20 PM (03/06/2012), so I will post my past three days' logs.

Day 1 03/04/2012
I regret having cracked. Thank you for not responding. You're so strong.

I couldn't sleep, so I meditated from 3:00 AM to 6:15 AM (03/05/12) and realized a lot of things. I made a flow chart. Sometimes they help. It's also the rough draft to the letter I'm going to write this week, which I will give to you in a month. It's already over 5 pages, but I know you wouldn't be surprised at the length.

I'm getting better. I still cry here and there because I miss you, but I'm not sad anymore. I know you're waiting for me.

Day 2 03/05/2012
It was such a sunny, beautiful day. It felt like Socal. I hope you enjoyed it.

Every second passes so slowly... My chest still hurts, but I know it will get better with time.

I ate with the guys (Ryan, Mikey, Victor, Matt, Scott, and Chalico). Mike's dad made some bomb marinated meat for us which Mikey brought and we BBQed. I made loaded baked potatoes for them, since they let me stay at their pad for the past couple days. I was able to genuinely laugh and smile and Ryan was very relieved. He said "I'm glad you're laughing again. Before yesterday, I could tell that [your smiles and laughs] were forced."

After I got back to my new house around 2:00 AM, I finally started unpacking. It took me a good hour to get just my computer and bed set up, but I've yet to unpack another half of my boxes. Your stuff is in my closet now and it will be safe. Because they remind me of you, they make me feel safe.

I unpacked your Valentine gift and I read and re-read your card until I was too tired to stay up. I fell asleep around 4:30 AM--hugging your boy-jacket and facing my tablet, which had the picture of us smiling together.

Good morning. I love you.

Day 3 03/06/2012

It's Tuesday. I can't believe it's only been two days. They seem like an eternity.
After I woke up today, I went immediately to the camp to pick up my stuff. At the library, I texted Gino to see if he could get my stuff for me, in case you were at the camp. I waited, but he didn't respond, so I scoped out the place from afar to make sure you weren't there. I saw Jeff and Aaron, but didn't see Gino. I heard music.

As I approached the camp, I realized you were in your tent. I stopped in my tracks, did a 180 spin, and got away as fast as I could. I wanted to see you, but I didn't want to break my promise--our promise. You were laughing and you looked so happy, listening to the music. I admired your beautiful, smiling face from afar.

When I was out of sight from the camp, I berated myself. I should have known, since I heard your saxophone. I'm not sure if you were playing it though. I think either Gino or Aaron was. The other had a guitar.

Since I could not approach the camp, I called Jeff, to see if he could bring my stuff to me. I slapped my face in dismay when he said my name. It's ok though. He didn't know.

He told me you were leaving soon with the guys to go downtown. I told him I could wait, and after waiting about 20-30 minutes, I saw you leave. You were wearing a puffy milky jacket. All I could see was your back turned as you walked down the bridge.

After you left, I went to camp to pick up my stuff. I texted back and forth to Gino to ask him where my stuff was. I found most of it. He'll give me the frying pan back at a later date.

Before I left, I emptied your ash tray for you. Maybe you'll notice it. Maybe you won't. I made sure to leave as quickly as possible once I had all my stuff.
Aaron's tent was further away. Did you ask him to do that for my sake? If so, thank you. I noticed it.
I spent the rest of the daytime with some friends I hadn't seen in a long time and afterwards, Ryan.

Update: 6:30 PM
I decided to get a tattoo (of the numbers 030413) on impulse, so I came back home to look through yelp at tattoo parlors in Modesto.

Funny thing. The first parlor I clicked on had rave reviews and their address at
903 Kansas Ave. Suite A
Modesto, CA. 95351
The street name can't be just a coincidence. Nothing seems to happen for no reason these days. It's strengthened my desire to get the tattoo. They're closed after 6:00 PM, so I'm going to go check it out tomorrow.

I've been staring at the picture of us all day. The one in which we're smiling in my bed. I miss you. I miss you..

I love you. So I will keep my distance, though it hurts so much. See you in a month, as promised. Maybe on my birthday? That would be the greatest present ever.

I'll be hugging your sweater and looking at our picture until I fall asleep again.

Be well.