Day 4: Around 6:00 AM
I had a paranoid feeling in my gut for some reason. It's irrational, but I thought for some reason that you're currently "trying to get over me". It hurt so much to think that your love for me could dry up--and I couldn't shake it off--that I began pacing endlessly until I ended up crying while trying to comfort myself by looking at our pictures and reading your card again.
I needed to talk to someone so bad--but everyone was asleep because it was 2:00 AM--so I drove from my house to the Blue Emergency Light by the parking permit dispenser at the entrance of Lake Lot 1 and pushed the button. I sobbed into the telecom that I needed somebody to talk to.
The police weren't too helpful. They had protocols to follow so they could only offer me a ride to the counseling clinic outside of UCM. It wasn't worth it, so I decided to just cry it out while driving back home.
Good thing I did. I felt better after the cry and I got back. My mind was still racing though, so I started doing my homework. I'm making good progress on it despite my thoughts. I'm sure you'd be proud of me.
It's the Occupy essay, and as I began writing it, I had an epiphany about it, which I'm writing in a separate file.
In my epiphany, I realized that my relationship with Occupy had some profound parallels with my relationship with you. I realized I needed a break from Occupy since a while back (if you remember my latest saying this in our conversation last Sunday), for several reasons which are explained in more detail in the RTF file, and I was willing to more easily admit this because Occupy isn't a precious person to me like you. It's not an actual PERSON I love. I love Occupy, so I know that I'm eventually going to go back to it, but the fact that it's an organization/movement that I know will be fine without me for a while made it easier for me to admit it.
However, I have not seen these aspects about the relationship between you and I until just now. I think that's where my insecurity before my meditation came from.
Although the subtext I had for these questions don't really apply to our relationship, they're still applicable on the broad sense that it's something I should be asking myself and you should be asking yourself. I'll add different subtexts after the questions to show what I mean.
1) What are we really hoping to accomplish?
On the bigger scale, love and a healthy long-term relationship, of course.
2) Although our methods express the right concern and intentions, do they clearly point in a certain, very specific direction?
The emotions we show, actions we do, questions we have, the arguments that we get into, and the doubts we get--their root is undeniably out of love (for me, this lead to another epiphany and more meditation and soul-searching which I'm writing in a separate RTF file), but the direction they point to may not be crystal clear and are therefore open to misinterpretation. Ex) You're jealous because you love me, but to me, it feels like an attack on my character. I'm frustrated because I love you and you don't seem to get it, but to you it looks like an emotional overreaction meant to hurt you. What I'm trying to say is, I think it's important to remind ourselves and each other "I feel this way because I love you. Can you understand?" rather than think "I love you so you should feel this way and react this way. It's a given.".
3) Are the methods we come up with effective?
I can't speak for you, but I can speak for myself. I think often, I believe I'm being clear and effective at explaining, but I'm sucking. Adding in emotions like frustration and impatience into the mix doesn't help.
This led me to another question/train of thought that I had to make sure of. Do I love you, idolize you (infatuation), or lust after you? My conclusion after more meditation (which I've written down in the RTF file mentioned in the green) is that I really love you. It's not simple infatuation or lust. It's organic love that grew from a natural process. Rapidly, but naturally. <3<3<3
One thing I did realize when I was writing the rough draft of my letter to you (on Sunday), which I will hand-write, is that although our love and need for each other grew at a steady pace at the beginning of our relationship, our need for each other grew way faster than the speed at which our love for each other matured. Right now is the time for us to work on the love aspect for each other first.
I know our relationship is not pure dependence on each other for two reasons
1) The love and need grew at a good pace the first few months of our relationship, which was more than half of its full length.
2) We met each other for all the right reasons.
3) Even at our worst, we were able to maintain something that IMO we've been able to also do at our best: we were completely honest with each other.
4) Even now, because of my love for you, I am quelling my urges to see you. I can wait until you're ready to talk again after a month (hopefully approximately because I want to see you at my birthday. If you don't want to come to my birthday, I'll be sad, but I know I'll see you a couple days afterwards, so I'll be good. I just can't wait to show you these epiphanies I've been having).
I'll show you the two RTFs and my handwritten letter in time, when your emotional scars have healed. Hopefully in about a month. Mine have yet to heal also.
I was actually ready to just print these out and drop them off at your tent, but my word is bond. It hurts, but I can do it for you.
LOVE gives me strength and LOVE compels me. My LOVE for YOU.
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